09 February, 2011

Heart trouble

So I have this trouble with my heart. It aches and stabs. The ache is so deep I can't even cry most of the time.

I really miss Paddy. I have sat down to write her memorial a number of times and can never get past the first few words. She was such a part of who I am, it is hard to re-learn to be me without her.

I feel badly for Rye because I want to be fully emotionally available to him, but I sense that absence in myself and then the guilt follows.

I suppose time will cure it, but this heart trouble... we had too short a time together, that dog and I.


KPR said...

Monique, I can completely relate. I lost Jag last year, and I wrote his memorial in little bits, and to this day, I have not read it through from start to finish. Like you, I have a couple of gorgeous photos from Carolynn that I will forever treasure. I know there's nothing to say that will ease your pain, just thought I'd let you know that there are people out there who totally understand. My heart breaks for you.

Mrs. Aker said...

I miss Paddy too.

Loretta Mueller said...

I am so sorry Monique :( I wish there was something I could say that would help you...hugs.

RYKER said...

Loss of a loved one is a terrible pain. I feel badly for you. Give it more time and invest your energies in little Rye without the guilt.

Janet said...

I know how you feel when you talk about connecting with Rye right now. I got my foster dog Lucky (ShihTzu mix I ultimately adopted) a week or so after my Papillon, Butters, died tragically from gastric torsion.

The people at the shelter matched me up with Lucky knowing that Butters had just passed that week. Given I had all this little dog stuff at home and an empty house, I agreed to take Lucky, but it was definitely hard. It took about a year before I felt bonded to Lucky and felt like he and I were a team.

Even now, 7 years later, I glance at Butter's urn and think about him and how he had such a significant impact on my life although I only had him a short time. I suppose Butters was my first heart dog - we were deeply connected in an unexplainable way.

And the hurt does not go away, even to this day.

Paddy's spirit and memories and love will never leave you. And, if she shed like my buff-colored cat George did, you will still find her hairs in the house a year later and those hairs, that when she was alive were seemingly so insignificant if not a nuisance, will make all the memories flood back about what a great dog Paddy was.

So sorry again for your loss.